Your partner hits you with a huge surprise.  You thought everything was fine, your relationship was going along normally.  Then, you hear the news.  Your partner has made plans, rented an apartment, and has decided they want a divorce.

How did you miss this? How could you have not seen the signs? Does finding out this news shake your belief in your own ability to read a situation? Do you even begin to question your belief in yourself?

Some things to think about in dealing with this shocking situation:

Yes, you may have missed some things. No one can see all the signs. Remember that your partner has been extremely afraid of telling you about their feelings. They wanted to make plans and put their ducks in a row before informing you of their decision. They may have intentionally misrepresented their feelings to prepare themselves for breaking the news.

Consider their side of the story. There may not have been any one particular reason for the choice to divorce, or there could be. An affair, relationship, or just growing apart are all possibilities we have to consider. The thought of telling your spouse that you want a divorce can be so difficult that many never have the courage to tell their partner. Out of pure anxiety, they do nothing and keep their partner in the dark.

Perhaps your partner grappled with this decision on their own, or they could’ve discussed it with a therapist or trusted friend over time. Because they had to figure out their own situation in advance, remember that your partner has had time to reflect and actually make a well thought out decision.

You, on the other hand, didn’t have that time.  You aren’t on the same timeline as your partner, as you are just starting on this path. You also need to prioritize time for processing this major change. You need someone to talk to, someone who can help you navigate this emotionally. It’s an important part of this process to reach out and seek guidance from those closest to you.

You also need financial and legal advice. What are your options financially? What are you entitled to? How can you even begin to think about the future if you don’t have any idea of what the family finances look like?

Counseling or Mediation – you need a safe place where you and your spouse can communicate.  The communication may be unravelling the past for now – how did this happen? It’s important to be open to counseling either together or individually.   The communication can then move forward in answering questions of the marriage and the future. This is where mediation can come in.

Allow yourself to take the time you need to prepare yourself and to understand how this situation came to be.  You can’t make the best decisions if you are operating on someone else’s timeline.